If you have ever had a 2-year-old, I’m sorry. Here, take this medal of honor—it comes with a nap!
Oh, hon, the nap is for you, not the kid. Sorry! You know that toddlers don’t nap, right? Right. Here are some other things you probably know as well:
1. Everything is “mine” and by that I mean not yours, theirs.
2. Shirt tags are the worst invention ever in the history of anything.
3. The whiplash a full-sized adult can get from a knee-high person’s mood swing.
4. That it can take 90 minutes to walk one block.
5. The upper arm strength and ninja/wrestling moves it takes to get a cranky one into a car seat against her will.
6. The lyrics to the opening song of every single cartoon on Nick Jr, Disney Junior, and PBS Kids.
7. That adorable little bums can make horrifying arm’s-length, man-log poops.
8. They are not, in fact, tired no matter how tired they are. WHY WOULD YOU SUGGEST SUCH A THING?
9. Which spoon to serve their mac and cheese with, which is absolutely not the same one with which to serve them cereal.
10. Fresh vegetables are inedible but filthy playground mulch is delicious (especially when washed down with water from that rusty water fountain in the park under that tree the birds always sit in).
11. How to tell a child is about to poop behind a couch even when neither the couch nor child are within sight.
12. How much easier it is to throw a bunch of puffs at a kid and call it “dinner” than actually try to make a meal the child will eat.
13. What it’s like to be watched while showering, pooping, inserting a tampon, flossing, and everything else you never thought you’d have an audience for.
14. How interesting the thing the child has ignored forever is once another child is interested in it.
15. The further you are from a bathroom, the more likely they will decide they need to go RIGHT NOW and in a toilet, not their diaper, because you mentioned a few months back that when they potty train will be their decision.
16. The lighter or more expensive the item of clothing is that they’re wearing, the faster and more permanently they will stain it.
17. They do not want a bath, and the fact that they end up happily playing in there for an hour does not mean that they actually did want one.
18. They cannot button their shirts but can work a WiiU remote, figure out the code to unlock your iPhone, and unbuckle a 5-point harness while you’re doing 80 mph on a freeway.
19. 400 bedtime stories a night still isn’t enough.
20. You can buy their love with a bottle of bubbles, a balloon, or animal-shaped crackers.
21. Pants are always optional, and they’re just adorable enough to get away with it.
Graphic: Kim Bongiorno