Sh*t I Do Behind My Kids’ Backs

I'm deceiving my kids…by having a soda. In our house we don't drink soda. We drink water. But I'm eating dinner after the kids go to sleep, and I happen to like an occasional soda, so I'm drinking one when they're not around to see me break a house rule. And here's the thing: Drinking soda isn't my only secret. There's a whole host of things I do that my kids don't know about. Here's my list. What's yours?

Watch trash TV. My kids don't need to watch Scandal and The Real Housewives, but I do. 

Swear. Okay, occasionally I do this in front of them. And then they march into school and say, "Guess what cool new word mommy taught me?" And then the school calls me and I apologize. And then I get off the phone and say, "[email protected]#k!" But overall, I try to keep my kid time curse-free.

Have sex. Every couple will eventually get walked in on by one of their kids. That's when you explain the game "Naked Statue" or talk about how hot it is in the house. They don't need to know about sex for a long, long time. Ew.

Chew gum. Seems innocent until your three-year-old gets addicted to the pink, chewy choking hazard. Plus, there are few things as unsightly as a kid trying to manage a piece of gum. Come to think of it, it doesn't look much better when adults do it either. But occasionally a girl's gotta have a piece of Hubba Bubba.

Eat candy. It's not like I'm mainlining Mike and Ike candies, but sometimes I need a sweet treat. Since I don't want my kids to have holes in their teeth (or think chocolate is a food group), I try to keep my candy consumption a secret. Plus, I hate to share.

Gossip. When I'm gabbing with a pal while my kids are in the car or our family is hanging out with another family, I try to keep my conversation to a polite minimum. I want my kids to be polite and kind. They have a lifetime to learn that sometimes a good story is too juicy to pass up. Until then, I'll gossip behind their backs and they can go on thinking I'm a super kind person.

Eat in bed. Since my kids aren't Ernie and Bert, I don't let them eat in bed. That's totally gross anyway, except when I do it of course. So until my kids are old enough to clean up the cookie crumbs they'll leave in their beds, they can go ahead and think beds are just for sleeping and tables are just for eating.

What do you do behind your kids' backs?