Potty-training is not one of those milestones that I’ve been excited for my twins to achieve. Walking, talking, eating yogurt without dribbling it all down their shirts — those were biggies for me. Using the potty though? No more diapers? Eh.
To be honest, I’ve been dreading it since their first friend got Spiderman undies. From what I’ve heard, potty training boys can be tough, and accidents are likely long after they’ve gotten the hang of this toilet thing. Also, my boys just turned 3, and it’s clear they aren’t totally ready, which only justifies my laziness.
I know, this isn’t good. But, come on, it’s not like they’re going to go to college wearing diapers, right? Uh, right? We already encourage them to use the potty, which one boy is more into than the other. Still, we’re far from diaper-free. Obviously, I’m going to get around to it sooner rather than later. In the meantime though, these are all of the reasons why potty-training has been slow going in our house…
1. They’re not really interested.
I hear some kids are like, “Ooooh, ah, the majestic toilet and my equally majestic poop.” My boys seem way more interested in flushing. One of my boys has started to tell us when he wants to go pee on the potty, but he’s still going in his diaper as well. When we ask the other if he wants to go pee or poop in the potty, he tells us, “Um, no thanks.” They don’t care that all of the cool kids use the potty. They don’t care about getting super awesome underwear. They barely care about the promise of M&M’s. I can’t really get them to see the incentive, maybe because I’m not totally clear on it either. Which brings me to my next point.
2. I’m not really interested.
Honestly, I have yet to hear why potty-trained kids are so much easier. From what I can tell, once my boys are potty-trained, I’m going to have to ask them, like, ten times, if they have to go, before we leave the house. And then, once we get in the car and they’re all strapped into their seats, they’ll suddenly realize that they do have to go. So then I’ll unstrap them both, bring them both back inside, and get them to the bathroom, hopefully before they have an accident. Then, when we’re out, I’ll have to check in with them every ten minutes, and schlep them both to the bathroom, even if just one has to go. I know my boys. There’s no way they’ll be like, “Oh, well, since we’re already here.” No, no, they’ll probably take shifts, which means I could potentially spend an entire playdate wiping butts. I get that using a toilet is an essential life skill for them, but it sounds like a major pain in the ass too. Sure, I might not have to change increasingly-gruesome diapers anymore, but it sounds like I’ll be spending the remainder of my youth shuttling boys into and out of the bathroom.
3. We’ve got things to do.
A few people have told me that to potty train your kids, you should commit to about three days of boot camp…literally, booty boot camp. So we need to spend the weekend at home, with lots of naked time, so they will become more aware of when they have to go to the bathroom. I’m guessing it’s that body awareness that my kids are missing, so this sounds like a good plan to me. Thing is, we’ve been busy. Traveling, birthday parties, friends in from out of town. We haven’t had a free weekend to exclusively devote to, well, doo doo.
4. I’m afraid of Poop Fest 2014.
Yes, I’m going to find the time for some intensive potty training, but I’m obviously not looking forward to it. I’m seriously considering covering the couches and floors in plastic wrap, like Dexter‘s kill room. I mean, I sometimes gag when I’m changing their diapers. I definitely gag when I’m cleaning up after our dog. And since caring for my twin boys is already like a game of whack-a-mole, I can only imagine what it’ll be like when they both suddenly have to pee or poop. What if one of them eats too much fruit? What if one of them poops on me as I’m racing to get him to the bathroom? What if one secretly pees or poops behind a table and we don’t discover it for days? The whole thing sounds totally, utterly horrifying.
5. Public restrooms.
Need I say more?