One of the handiest things about being a mom these days is the ease with which we can communicate with our thumbs in the midst of the loudness of our children. Sure, we pay $500 for easily-breakable Smartphones and no longer actually speak to people we’re not physically in front of, but it’s all worth it when we don’t want our kids to catch us begging our husbands to come home early so we don’t lose our sh*t, or borrow something weird from a neighbor who totally understands that a lack of cheesy carbs can constitute a serious emergency.
Here are just some of the kinds of texts you’ll send to your friends and family, solely because of this mom gig:
To the Husband:
Please pick up spaghetti sauce, tampons, and a bribe with Elmo on it on your way home.
Make sure he pees before you put him to bed. He will lie and then wet the bed if you don’t. WATCH HIM PEE.
I’m about to send you a picture of her dressed as a baby. Pretend it’s not weird when you reply.
Did she poop yet?
If your phone is slow, check the photo album. I think she took about 1,200 pictures of the cat while you were in the shower.
GET HOME. NOW.
To the Neighbor:
Are my kid’s shorts at your house?
Could you hear me yelling just now?
Do you have some vodka and some mac and cheese I can borrow?
FYI: You have a naked kid dancing in your front window.
To the Friend:
Have you ever seen this before? (include close-up of something gross, like an open blister on a kid’s tongue)
Let’s throw the kids in the basement and open some wine.
My daughter wants the popcorn you gave her that’s in the brown bag. Please tell me you know what she’s talking about.
What are the chances you can actually have a conversation right now?
To Her Own Mom:
I’m sorry for everything I did between the ages of 2 and 25.
How do you get sh*t out of curtains?
911: Need your chicken soup recipe, STAT.
To Her Kids:
Did you shower yet this week?
Do NOT break any bones today. We have dinner plans we can’t cancel and I need you to watch your sister.
What does “fleek” mean?
Come home now. I KNOW YOU CAN SEE THIS.