Before I had kids, the worst illnesses I dealt with were winter colds and the occasional stomach bug. My medicine chest mostly contained nail polish. I lived my life blissfully unaware of just how many disgusting ways there are to get sick once you throw some kids and their grubby, unwashed paws into the mix.
Of all the common and super contagious childhood maladies, pink eye is one of the grossest. It’s right up there with hand foot and mouth disease and ringworm, but neither of those makes infected goop seep out of your crusty, red vampire eyes.
Needless to say, I was gripped with fear when my kid’s school casually sent home one of those “We have one reported case of pink eye in your child’s class” notices. Better make that two cases, you disease-ridden cesspool called school.
If you’ve been there, then you know exactly what goes through a mom’s mind when her offspring wakes up with the dreaded pink eye.
1. My kid’s eye looks sort of sandy. And drippy. And pink. She can still go to school, right? Maybe if I send her in sunglasses.
2. Crap, how did you get pink eye? And please say it wasn’t from actual crap. This is why you’re supposed to wash your hands, people!
3. Should I try to administer the antibiotic drops or just pour them directly on the floor? Because that’s where they’re going to end up anyway due to all the squirming.
4. Maybe I should close the windows so the neighbors don’t see me literally sitting on my child to administer eye drops.
5. Or, would it be bad if I used that device from “A Clockwork Orange” to pry their eyes open while I get the drops in? I’m willing to get creative.
6. I am so excited to wash everyone’s sheets, pillowcases, and blankets right now because that is exactly what I had planned for today.
7. OMG, stop touching your face.
8. Stop touching your sister.
9. Stop touching me!
10. No, I’m serious, we can cuddle next week. It’s not happening right now.
11. Resistance is futile. I am totally going to catch pink eye.
12.The one time we have fun weekend plans, and I’m going to have to spend it wearing the glasses I’ve had since eighth grade instead of my contact lenses. Life is not fair.
13. Please don’t let this lead to me throwing out all of my liners and mascaras. I was just starting to get my mojo back, and it involved a subtle smokey eye.
14. Although…maybe I can turn this whole misadventure into a fun trip to Sephora. Go ahead, child, sit on my lap.
15. How old do my kids have to be before they stop bringing home every single bug the CDC ever heard of? Is Ebola next?
16. Maybe I should invest in a hazmat suit.
17. Or homeschool.
18. Okay, pink eye might actually be better than subjecting my kids to my homeschooling skills.
19. Even looking like a zombie bunny rabbit, my kid is still adorable.
20. Pink eye blows, but at least it isn’t head lice.
21. What’s this now? “We have one reported case of head lice in your child’s class.” Noooooo!