Places I Will Make My Kids Drive Me To Once They Get a License

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I am a very patient woman. My kids might forget things, like that they volunteered me to carpool six kids to some sporting thing again or that we were supposed to be at a birthday party across town five minutes ago, but I never do. And I’ve simply been biding my time until the day when my eldest gets his driver’s license so I can seek the kind of revenge epic novels are made of.

There once was a time when I enjoyed driving. It was a freedom to get myself from Point A to Point B, settled in a comfy seat while listening to my favorite tunes. Then I became the proud owner of humans who needed or wanted to be shlepped all over creation many times every single day—and often at the same time, but to locations in opposite directions. So when my darling boy gets his driver’s license, the plastic will still be warm in his hand when I toss him the keys and start making demands as we buckle into the minivan. Ditto for my beloved daughter, because, Oh! The places we will go!

Like home from the DMV, please. I’ll be in the backseat, asking for things I can’t reach from there.

And make sure to stop at the grocery store on the way home.

Actually, I prefer the other grocery store. I know we’re already here, but that’s the one I meant. Not this one. Yes, there’s a difference.

Okay so now drop me off at my friend’s house before you go home to put the groceries away without any help.

I’m calling you because I need my phone charger. The purple one. It’s in the kitchen. Can you please bring it to me here? LOVE YOU BYE.

Thanks for bringing this by. Come pick me up in a half hour?

THANKS FOR PICKING ME UP. YOU DON’T MIND IF I PLAY MY TERRIBLE MUSIC AT A DEAFENING LEVEL WHILE OUR LIVES ARE IN YOUR HANDS BEHIND THE WHEEL OF THIS FOUR-THOUSAND-POUND STEEL DEATH MACHINE, RIGHT? 

I know we just got home, but the pharmacy texted that my prescription is ready. Put your shoes back on and grab the keys: I need a lift.

Of course I understand that you need to get home to finish your school work, but can we stop for a sandwich? Check out that new thrift shop? Get ice cream? I really want some ice cream. How come you never take me for ice cream?

WHY AREN’T YOU DRESSED IT’S TIME TO GO? It’s ladies night and I told all of my friends you’d drive us. I’ll text you when we’re ready to come home! Don’t fall asleep! Keep the phone on and close!

Yes, I’m aware it’s 5AM. But I need a ride to the gym. And can you help me pack my bag? Where’s my water bottle? And sneakers? And pants?

Oh—and don’t forget to follow all the school drop-off rules when you bring your little sister to school today. Love you lots!